Out of Control

Control and I go hand in hand.

I was going to state that I "want" to be in control, but realistically I need to be in control.

As I grew up I watched many people around me "set" their lives in motion down a path that I never wanted to follow. Many didn't go about it from the offensive side, but rather responded to what life handed them. This gave them the opportunity to blame life, because that's what was handed to them. I learned that if I wanted to go down a different path, it would cause me to take control of my own life. Now I struggle with turning over that control to the only one who really can command it. I know that I am truly not in control, but the struggle lies in "what is my responsibility and what I need to turn over to God."

Like a carrot dangling on a stick, motivating people to do things, God grabs a hold of my heart and directs me toward something. Very few times I realize what is going on in the moment. Usually I look back and wonder what just took place. When this happens I move yet another step towards God as he shares what breaks his heart. This weekend was one of those that I realized, within the first few minutes of meeting my little friend, that God was doing something.

It felt like we shared life for a months, not a few days.
It has been 24 hours since I said good-bye. Even though I am wanting to help more, I have this terrible feeling that I might not ever see him again. Watching the news is very different now! I use to tune into the weather and sports portions, but now I am listening to the crime and other breaking news. On the map I realize how the two attempts for child abduction was just a few blocks away from his house, wondering who is there to watch him!

My last blog entry stated that I am turning him over to Jesus, and I really am trying to do that. I realize I have no control with this issue and standing here palms up is all I can really do.

I am out of control, but it doesn't mean my heart doesn't break.

I can not even start to imagine how Gods heart breaks when he sees all of his children struggling across the world.