10 Years ago and a very dark place

In my quiet time today it hit me that it is my 10 year anniversary from my darkest moment of my life.

I was working 75-80 hours a week at a company that we owned and it was failing. We needed $50,000 a month to stay afloat and after two years of being short $2-5,000 each month it was catching up.  So were the long hours. It was Tuesday Dec. 7th and I remember it well.  The last time I slept was the past Tuesday night and that was only for 4 hours.  I made it through Thanksgiving and was on my way to prepare for Christmas. What I didn't know is what God was preparing us for.

Because of the lack of sleep I was having a very hard time functioning with the little things we don't think about.  I specifically remember not being able to sign my name, which was needed to sign the 24 employees' paychecks.  I asked one of the Managers to do it for me.

I remember seeing Rob Yonan coming in to workout and I pulled him aside and asked if I could get some prayer after his workout.  He said that I could come over and talk and pray with him at his place.  After his workout I was actually feeling better, I was starting to feel very tired and thought to myself "I just need to go home and sleep".  That also would have been easier than facing my problem. As I climbed into my vehicle I knew that I needed to stick with the plan and go to Rob's.

When I walked in as soon as I saw him I broke down.  I didn't even know I was holding all that back. He explained to me that I was in a severe place of depression. Also that we have three tanks that we fill that allow our bodies to keep going: a spiritual tank, an emotional tank and a physical tank.  When any one of these get low, we start to feel nervousness which then moves to stress and anxiety then becomes depression.  We can't plug the bottom of the tank, it always is pouring out.  We are responsible to be filling up the tanks.
After working 75-80 hour weeks, I found myself too tired to go to Church. It had been over a month since that happened. I didn't have time for my friends at all and even though we owned a gym and I was in one for that much time, I didn't have time to workout.  So all three of my tanks were very low!

What was interesting was the next comment he made.  You didn't get to this level of depression over night and it won't go away overnight.  This is a process you will have to stick to over a period of time.  There will be a lot more bad days, but there will also be good days.  Soon there will be more good then bad.

I was prescribed sleeping medicine and planned out my calendar to be with a friend everyday doing something. I also started to workout three times a week, at a different club! I didn't bring any work home-which was huge for me. Lastly I committed and went to church weekly.

Fast forward, I remember the day just as clear. It was tax day April 15th! That was the last day I took a sleeping pill! I looked back on my calendar and I was with a friend or family for every day except for 6, I worked out regularly (now back at my club) and didn't miss a weekend service.  I felt very different, but it took time.

I would like to say that life was a lot better besides my depression, but it wasn't.  Our business was continuing to fail and we closed its doors on Sept 6th, 2005.  The irony was that I earlier was looking for a second job for more income since our company wasn't able to pay me.  On Sept 6th, I started at Grace Community Church. My first day of work ended differently as I planned.  We received the phone call from the courts closing our business down at 4:00 that day and the other owner and myself went around to all 24 employees explaining to them what was happening.  We then went to the club and sat their until midnight and closed down the business that we truly believed God wanted us to start.

I still believe He wanted us to own Gold's Gym, it was simply a stepping stone being used to get me where I am today.  I have worked at Grace for a little over 9 years now doing what I am called to do and I love it.  I have an amazing wife and 3 wonderful sons.  All of this was possible because of the choices made to come out of the darkness that I was in.

If you find yourself in that same darkness, reach out to someone and start the journey down the path of health.  It will take some time, but you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.