10 Years ago and a very dark place

In my quiet time today it hit me that it is my 10 year anniversary from my darkest moment of my life.

I was working 75-80 hours a week at a company that we owned and it was failing. We needed $50,000 a month to stay afloat and after two years of being short $2-5,000 each month it was catching up.  So were the long hours. It was Tuesday Dec. 7th and I remember it well.  The last time I slept was the past Tuesday night and that was only for 4 hours.  I made it through Thanksgiving and was on my way to prepare for Christmas. What I didn't know is what God was preparing us for.

Because of the lack of sleep I was having a very hard time functioning with the little things we don't think about.  I specifically remember not being able to sign my name, which was needed to sign the 24 employees' paychecks.  I asked one of the Managers to do it for me.

I remember seeing Rob Yonan coming in to workout and I pulled him aside and asked if I could get some prayer after his workout.  He said that I could come over and talk and pray with him at his place.  After his workout I was actually feeling better, I was starting to feel very tired and thought to myself "I just need to go home and sleep".  That also would have been easier than facing my problem. As I climbed into my vehicle I knew that I needed to stick with the plan and go to Rob's.

When I walked in as soon as I saw him I broke down.  I didn't even know I was holding all that back. He explained to me that I was in a severe place of depression. Also that we have three tanks that we fill that allow our bodies to keep going: a spiritual tank, an emotional tank and a physical tank.  When any one of these get low, we start to feel nervousness which then moves to stress and anxiety then becomes depression.  We can't plug the bottom of the tank, it always is pouring out.  We are responsible to be filling up the tanks.
After working 75-80 hour weeks, I found myself too tired to go to Church. It had been over a month since that happened. I didn't have time for my friends at all and even though we owned a gym and I was in one for that much time, I didn't have time to workout.  So all three of my tanks were very low!

What was interesting was the next comment he made.  You didn't get to this level of depression over night and it won't go away overnight.  This is a process you will have to stick to over a period of time.  There will be a lot more bad days, but there will also be good days.  Soon there will be more good then bad.

I was prescribed sleeping medicine and planned out my calendar to be with a friend everyday doing something. I also started to workout three times a week, at a different club! I didn't bring any work home-which was huge for me. Lastly I committed and went to church weekly.

Fast forward, I remember the day just as clear. It was tax day April 15th! That was the last day I took a sleeping pill! I looked back on my calendar and I was with a friend or family for every day except for 6, I worked out regularly (now back at my club) and didn't miss a weekend service.  I felt very different, but it took time.

I would like to say that life was a lot better besides my depression, but it wasn't.  Our business was continuing to fail and we closed its doors on Sept 6th, 2005.  The irony was that I earlier was looking for a second job for more income since our company wasn't able to pay me.  On Sept 6th, I started at Grace Community Church. My first day of work ended differently as I planned.  We received the phone call from the courts closing our business down at 4:00 that day and the other owner and myself went around to all 24 employees explaining to them what was happening.  We then went to the club and sat their until midnight and closed down the business that we truly believed God wanted us to start.

I still believe He wanted us to own Gold's Gym, it was simply a stepping stone being used to get me where I am today.  I have worked at Grace for a little over 9 years now doing what I am called to do and I love it.  I have an amazing wife and 3 wonderful sons.  All of this was possible because of the choices made to come out of the darkness that I was in.

If you find yourself in that same darkness, reach out to someone and start the journey down the path of health.  It will take some time, but you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.

Parenting 101:From God's point of view

So since I received the text about Austin being in a car accident on Friday evening, I haven’t been able to process what was happening inside me.  Different conversation this weekend have allowed me to process what’s going on, and those conversations had nothing to do with the accident.

Back when I was single and not a father, I felt this burden when there were accidents and deaths with children. I kept telling myself I could never be a father because I wouldn’t be able to deal with that level of pain and sorrow. So if you never have kids, then you never have to deal with that pain.  Same was true with marriage.  I watch friends and family members struggle with marriage and end things.  Families broken apart and pain set it.  So if I never got married I would never have to deal with that pain or be the cause of it!  God changed my thought process little by little, and soon instead of focusing on “the pain” that could happen, I started to see the wonderful joy that I could experience.

I believe that’s why my family was given to me overnight-God knew that slowly stepping into this thing called family wouldn’t work for me. So May 20^th I was a single man and May 21^st I was a father of twin 15 year-old boys.  Then the following year on May 17^th I was a single father of twin boys and the next day I was engaged to my now beautiful wife.  No slow stepping into anything there! As always, God knew me better and knew how to care for me.

So I missed the 15 years of worrying about my sons developing correctly, are the learning lessons that will help their futures, etc. So all that worrying has been bottled into these past 3 years, and with Friday night’s accident all my fears have hit home.  We could have switched spots with this family, that could’ve been us living in the trauma waiting room.  

I am reminded about our conversation with Kirsten’s parents at lunch this weekend. God models exactly what we need to do as parents.  He is our heavenly Father who loves us more than we can love one another or our children. He always gives us the door or path that He wants us to go down, just like we do for our kids. But one thing God does, that I know I am not good at and many of the parents I know are not good at, is he gives us another door or path that we shouldn’t go down.  There is pain and sorrow and hurt if we chose that one, and most of the time that’s exactly what we choose. But He doesn’t stop there! He gives us another opportunity to grow, to learn and to choose the right path and come back to him. No matter how many times we choose the other path, he always provides a way back home.

So He showed me this weekend that I need to quit fooling myself about who is in control.  No parent, no friend, no girlfriend/boyfriend and no mentor ripped that door off early in the accident and threw Austin out of the car early on to save his life. Only his Heavenly Father could’ve performed that miracle. So that’s what it means to trust God with your children’s lives.  Not easy, but it’s true.

He also showed me that if I want to be a good father to my boys, just follow his example. Give them guidance on which path or door is right, and then let them choose.  If they choose the wrong one, lovingly welcome them back with open arms and guide them towards the right path again-but let them choose!  Also that guidance needs to change as they get older.   

Early on it might look like you are holding their head in your hands making sure they are paying attention, but that has to change to hands on their shoulder guiding them, one hand on their shoulder and the other motioning the right way to choose-then the difficult one where you walk next to them, as a friend.  No matter what they choose you walk with them and you guide them with your words and love.  Always pursuing them like our Heavenly Father pursues us every minute of every day-even when we didn’t believe in him!

You make beautiful things out of us!

I remember like it was yesterday.  I wanted a family so bad, I wanted to be married, I wanted to be a father.  Maybe you were like me and had this plan in your mind.  I wanted to be married with kids by my 30th birthday.  That day quickly came and passed and my plan was ruined.  I remember looking back and realizing that I focused so much on my job and wanting to get things in order before I settled down. Sitting there at 30 I started to wonder if I would ever have a family, I wondered if I messed it all up focusing on the wrong things.

All this pain

I wonder if I’ll ever find my way

I wonder if my life could really change at all

All this earth

Could all that is lost ever be found

Could a garden come up from this ground at all

Little did I know that God had a larger plan.

All around

Hope is springing up from this old ground

Out of chaos life is being found in You

You see when I was 22 years old my sons were born, I just didn't know that. Nor did I know how these young men would change my life. I wasn't ready for them at 22, nor was I ready for them at 30.  God had work that he still needed to do in my life.

You make me new, You are making me new

You make me new, You are making me new

I remember when I received the call from Krista Davis asking me about the boys.  I remember the night before I met them, I got scared and thought I couldn't afford this-I couldn't pay for the adoption process, how would I be able to care for them?  I remember deciding that I couldn't move forward. No one would blame me, I felt like everything and everyone around me was saying you shouldn't do this or you can't do this (no one was saying this, it was just in my head). On my way home from "Food Club" the song "The Voice of Truth" came on and it felt like God was singing that song directly to me.  I sat in my truck listening to every word as tears rolled down my face. I felt peace, I knew I could only do this with God's strength.

All around

Hope is springing up from this old ground

Out of chaos life is being found in You

May 21st, 2012, three years ago today my life was changed forever. These two boys mean the world to me.

If things stopped there it still would have been an amazing God redeeming story, but it didn't.  You see God used these two to shape my life and prepare me for even more that He had in store for me. They prepared my heart for my future wife and family.

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us

Today we celebrate much more than just the three of us coming together three years ago.  We celebrate the wonderful family God prepared for us all!!