Parenting lessons, what not to do!

I have my sons permission to blog about some of our conversations that we have shared together in private. This isn't being done to bring light to their past in a way to show sorrow or ask for it.  I have a larger desire for them to know this isn't anything close to normal. For them to know I care, that I hear them and that I understand (as much as I can) about their past and how it impacts them today. A question that I get often from friends is "are they really that nice/good all the time?" My answer is always.  These boys are a direct example of how God is larger than any one thing, or person, on this earth.  What someone can do for harm, He can turn it for good.
I know more now than I ever did, that owners manuals don't come with kids. I will add this to the list of questions, along with why men cant figure out women! All we have to rely, on when it comes to parenting, is the tools in our tool box. Those tools are things we learned from our parents as they raised us, both the good and the bad.  I know many of us have said, "I'll never do or say that", only to find ourselves eating those words later in life. We also have those things we learned from our friends' parents.  Many times we all wished our parents did this or that, or didn't do something-comparing them to our friends' parents. Little did we know that they were doing the same thing with ours!!  We can learn new ways to learn to use our tools, but all in all we still have the same tools in which to parent.
 When it comes to parenting, I have been overwhelmed with another thing. My parents! Many times over the past 4 months I have thought of my mom and dad parenting me.  How did they do that? I have a huge appreciation for the stressful times they made it through and for the man they made me into!

So now to me as a parent. I have found myself realizing more these past few weeks that I need to be reminded of what these two precious young men went through.  It is their foundation, it forms their decisions, it guides their path.....but most of all... it helps me to change all of that as their father. People treat their pets better than what they experienced.
Here is some of their experience.....
-Allowed to eat two things for dinner Ramon Noodles or rice.
-Allowed 5 mins to eat their food-no matter how hot it was.
-Many times not given food, it was used as a form of punishment. This went so far that the boys were starving and sneaking food in their pants pockets. Their mom found out and cut out all the pockets in their pants!
-Doing "The Wall" (standing with your nose on the wall and lifting your heals off the floor) was not only a form of punishment, but used as a containment tool like an animal.  On the wall most of the time or in their bed room.
-Rigging their bedroom door with a bell, to notify them that they opened the door.  All hell broke loose if this happened, so even if you needed to use the bathroom at night-nope!
-Being told over and over that you are stupid, cant accomplish anything and that you are worthless.
-Not getting Christmas presents or birthday presents. Now I know many families who cant do this. But the presents were exchanged back and forth between the parents in front of the boys.
-Not ever allowed in the house when the parents were not there, so they had to leave for school when they left for work. The same after school.  This caused the boys to find somewhere to go for hours before school started and after it was over.  Rain, Snow, Heat-didn't matter...they were outside.
-Summer time when school was not in session, they were gone from early morning till late evening on their own. No place to go, no money or food to eat.
-If one of the parents had to wake up at 3:00 am to get ready for work-she was mad that the boys were sleeping still....so she woke them up and made them "do the wall".
-There was screaming, name calling, degrading words spoken to them daily.
-There also was the abuse.

All of this above is a reminder to me that these boys have been traumatized daily for years and years. Through all that they trust me, they love me, they allow me to love them, to care for them, to guide them, to spend time with them, to share life with them and to be their father! They have been a true blessing in my life so far and we have our whole lives ahead of us. They are a answer to my prayers!

This house, this neighborhood, this church community will never be the same because of these two amazing boys.

People can still ask if they are really this good?
My new answer is "you don't even get to experience the level of good these boys really are!"

The thought of what I would say or do if I ran into their mother has always been a question in my head. I have thought of many different reactions and responses as you can imagine.
The one that is giving me a sense of peace in my heart is the one you can pray for it to happen if I do see her. I will look her in the eye and tell her that I do not understand what (or how) things that happened the first 15 years of these young boys life. But that these are the most amazing young men I have ever met, and that they are my sons, my amazing sons who were given to me by the Lord. I also want to thank her because she did have a part in this whole craziness. I know that might sound odd, but its true.

You can pray that God heals the wounds of the past for all of us. And that He continues to give us comfort and guidance in the days to come.